[English Version] Non linear to growing up

💫 When the Path Isn’t Linear: Between Nutrition, Energy, and Finding Balance

“Why don’t you just take the professional path based on your major?”

“Why not just work in a hospital?”

“Why does your life look… not straight?”

The answer is simple: because the body and life are never truly linear.

From early on, I realized that not every life has to follow a straight line based on general expectations. I graduated with a degree in applied nutrition, and today I live in two worlds at once: I work as a private employee while also pursuing my Master’s in Public Health at a state university in South Tangerang.

For some people, those two worlds may seem disconnected. But for me, they actually complete each other.

In modern nutrition science, we learn that the body works through measurable systems: energy in and out, metabolism, macronutrient balance, hormone regulation. Everything sounds structured and rational.

But when I started learning about Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), I realized something deeper the body is also a dynamic energy system.

In TCM, there’s the concept of yin and yang.

Yin is nourishment, rest, fluids, restoration.

Yang is movement, action, drive, ambition.

Looking back, maybe my life has been a little too dominated by “yang.”

Big ambition.

High standards.

Not wanting to fall behind.

Not wanting to waste time.

💫 About Hospitals and a Discomfort I Couldn’t Force

During my internship at a hospital, I realized I never truly felt comfortable there. Hospitals always felt “heavy” to me places filled with illness, anxiety, and loss.

It doesn’t mean hospitals are bad places. But something inside me never felt at home.

I tried to ignore that feeling. I went to several job interviews at hospitals, hoping maybe I was wrong.

But the result was always the same: I didn’t get in.

At some point, I stopped seeing it as rejection. Maybe it was protection. Maybe that environment just wasn’t where I was meant to grow.

In nutrition, we understand that not every intervention works for every individual. Life is similar — not every environment is the right habitat for everyone.

I still want to grow in my field. Just maybe not in the conventional way. Not in a white uniform inside a clinical room. Maybe through writing. Through discussions. Through open conversations.

For me, knowledge doesn’t always have to come with a title. We’re all allowed to learn and explore in non-linear ways, even if our backgrounds are specific.

In TCM, environment affects our energy balance. If someone has a more sensitive (yin-leaning) constitution, being in a constantly “heavy” environment can drain their qi. Maybe that’s why every time I tried to apply to a hospital, it simply didn’t work out.

💫 Two Worlds at the Same Time

Right now, I work as a private employee while continuing my Master’s studies in Public Health. People often ask why I choose a path that looks so non-linear.

Why not focus on one thing?

For me, academia and work are not opposites.

My Master’s builds my knowledge.

My job builds my character.

Just like the body no organ works alone. Everything is interconnected. Knowledge without experience can feel empty. Experience without knowledge can feel unstable.

In TCM, life balance is explained through yin and yang.

Academia is yin as a deep, reflective, theoretical.

Work is yang as a dynamic, adaptive, full of human interaction.

Living both isn’t confusion. It’s my way of balancing those energies.

💫 Their Perspective and Mine

I don’t try to change how people see me. I let them observe from their own point of view.

There’s no rule saying you can’t work in a different field while still loving your discipline.

What they might not see is this:

I still apply my four years of nutrition education in daily life.

I still read.

I still learn.

I’m still very much obsessed with my field.

Maybe the time to fully develop it just hasn’t come yet.

I don’t want to have theory without experience.

And I don’t want to work without intellectual growth.

In public health, we learn that health is shaped not only by biology, but also by social, economic, and environmental factors. Working outside my field actually helps me understand society more directly.

Experience is data.

Social interaction is learning.

💫 Being Drawn to the Uncommon

I’ve always been drawn to paths that not many people choose.

In my seventh semester, I chose sports nutrition for my research a field that’s complex and not very popular. Only one of my friends and I took that path. Maybe that was my “yang” side wanting to challenge myself, not choosing the common route.

The research was tough. Complicated. Full of revisions. I even sacrificed holiday time to meet my supervisor. But strangely, that’s when I felt most alive.

Still, in TCM, too much yang without enough yin (rest, softness, acceptance) can lead to internal exhaustion.

Maybe that’s what happened when I was too hard on myself.

Graduating cum laude didn’t feel enough.

Achievements didn’t feel satisfying.

Because I wasn’t looking for recognition.

I was looking for meaning.

💫 The Season of Repeated Failures

There was a phase when failure felt like my closest companion.

I failed scholarship applications.

Failed graduate school selections.

Failed physical requirements.

Failed recruitment processes.

Again and again.

In TCM, this could be seen as liver qi stagnation too much emotional pressure, too many expectations, energy not flowing smoothly.

And my body responded.

I developed GERD triggered by anxiety. I even started drinking coffee more often just to calm down even though I never wanted to depend on caffeine. For almost four months, I struggled.

Modern science and TCM may use different language, but they meet at the same conclusion:

Emotions and metabolism are deeply connected.

At one point, I even joked to myself,

“Maybe I’m the champion of failure.”

It was exhausting.

I worked as a crew member in a well-known wedding organizer just to keep moving and not drown in my own thoughts. I even reached the final stage of recruitment at a big private bank with a good salary.

And then I chose to step back.

Not because I couldn’t do it.

But because it didn’t feel like my world.

Life is too long to live feeling “this isn’t me.”

💫 Not a Perfect Nutrition Graduate

Someone once said to me,

“You studied nutrition. Why don’t you eat perfectly?”

I joked,

“We’re nutrition majors follow the guidelines, not our lifestyle.”

It sounded playful, but it carried truth.

Healthy eating is about long-term consistency, not daily perfection.

In TCM, food isn’t judged only by nutrients, but also by its energetic nature warming, cooling, dampening, drying. And our bodies aren’t in the same condition every day.

Balance isn’t static. It’s constant adjustment.

I’m not perfect.

I still snack carelessly sometimes.

I still don’t calculate everything I eat.

And maybe that’s the honest part.

I’m not trying to look the most correct.

I just want to keep learning.

💫 Maybe My Life Isn’t Linear — It’s Balancing

I used to see failure as incapability. Now I see it as adjustment.

Maybe I don’t work in a hospital because my path is education and discussion.

Maybe working in another field helps me understand people better.

Maybe those failures are building resilience what TCM would call strengthening kidney energy, the center of endurance and courage.

I’m still obsessed with my field.

Still reading.

Still learning.

Still wanting to contribute.

I just no longer force myself into a straight line.

Because health, like life, isn’t about speed.

It’s about balance.

Between ambition and acceptance.

Between knowledge and experience.

Between moving forward and allowing yourself to rest.

💫 What Working as a Private Employee Has Taught Me

A lot. More than I expected.

I’ve learned how to behave professionally.

How to deal with different personalities.

How to communicate effectively.

How to handle conflict.

How to manage judgment.

How to use digital tools, coding, dashboards, and data analysis.

Those aren’t just technical skills.

In public health, communication and social understanding are essential. Nutrition doesn’t stand alone it’s connected to behavior, culture, and environment.

In TCM, the spleen doesn’t only digest food it also “digests” thoughts. Learning to manage stress and social pressure is part of emotional balance.

I’ve learned that understanding people is like understanding body constitutions one approach never fits everyone.

💫 Yin Deficiency and Being Too Hard on Yourself

As a young woman with high ambition, I’m starting to understand that too much yang without enough yin can drain you.

In TCM, yin deficiency is often linked to fatigue, sleep problems, irregular cycles, emotional sensitivity.

Yin is the soft, nourishing side.

And maybe I’ve been too hard on myself for too long.

💫 About My Parents and Hope

People ask,

“Are your parents disappointed?”

No. They support me. They pray for me.

Knowing that I’m part of their hope doesn’t feel like pressure. It feels like a reason to keep going.

If other people can fall many times and still rise, why should I stop after a few failures?

Maybe this isn’t about being fast or slow.

Not about meeting expectations.

It’s about finding balance between ambition and calm, between yang and yin, between moving and resting.

I’m currently taking a language course too. Slowly opening new doors. I don’t know where it will lead me, but I know I’m moving.

And moving is effort.

I’m not late.

I’m just learning my own rhythm.

As long as I’m still willing to learn, improve, and get back up hope is still there.

And my journey is far from over. ✨